Sunday, November 20, 2011

finding meaning and ahhhh the pressure...

on location
I had to work out of town again all last was a good job, but one of those all encompassing types, where I barely have time to think.  I feel lucky to squeeze in 10 minutes to skype with my babies at the end of the day.
and the pressure to keep up just slides away, plus trust me, you absatively do not want to hear about my work week!

Gman has been having a rough week/life at school for a variety of reasons.  Really it's all about basketball.  He is full of negativity and frustration. (side note: the kid is used to things being easy for him--straight A's forev babeeeee-- but he started basketball late in youth).  He isn't as good as he wants to be. The stinker is also your typical teenager and blaming a lot of things on others. Now for those of you that don't have the pleasure of knowing my wunderfewl boi, he's awesomesauce--just was down on his luck..Relying on yourself for your fulfillment is a lifelong lesson in my opinion...

This was a moment in life, where as a parent you have to dig down, down to a place you don't want to go readily.

You see, drama skeptics, when I was in high school, a senior in fact..I had a really hard time with a teacher I greatly loved and respected.   This falling out led to a lot of tension and me essentially failing at this activity.  Granted, I dropped the ball on this activity that was near and dear to my heart.  And I, was the reason I didn't win a silly award at the end of the year. The feelings I had of rejection and disappointment were so deep and a huge blow to my self esteem. 

Sitting and listening to someone you love, 'complain' but really try to tell you how they're hurting where they're at is so hard.  Harder than a colicky baby or the terrible twos.  A teenager is an entity unto themselves. And when your kid is at any age, but especially a teenager, you have to balance your involvement--you know it is the time where there are things they have to figure out for themselves. (this is something I have a particularly hard time with, as a single and neurotic parent--I am a mama bear, helicoptering herself and her views all over the poor children)

 I had this AHA moment, where I realized, I had to tell my son about the pain in my past.  In a way it sounds silly to write it out like this.  I'm so glad I told him though. I sat here on my couch and retold him the story of how I failed at something in high school, how much it hurt at the time and even for a long time after, but how I was a stronger person for it and how I realized the only person that could control those events then was the same person controlling the perspective now--ME.  In a way, it was like those events led me to this, to the chance to share and find meaning in my past.  Funny how finding meaning and forgiveness is something that takes years sometimes.  

how many years 'til this is my main transpo?!

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